


Have Some Courtesy

by FleetSparrow



Category: Sympathy for the Devil - The Rolling Stones (Song)
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-16
Updated: 2018-05-16
Packaged: 2019-05-07 15:34:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,029
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14674085
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FleetSparrow/pseuds/FleetSparrow
Summary: Lucifer has just enough time for a quick interview.  Hurry up.  You may hear some secrets.





	Have Some Courtesy

**Author's Note:**

  * For [spiderfire](https://archiveofourown.org/users/spiderfire/gifts).



When you live as long as I have (forever) and will live (also forever), you need to do something to help keep the balance of nature. It's my job. You don't have to like it, but you should appreciate it. After all, I work hard for the money.

I don't do any of these things for fun. I get a list from the big boss, I do my job. However it affects you humans doesn't bother me. Oh, it's interesting, don't get me wrong, but I won't lose any eternal sleep over it.

Where are my manners? I haven't properly introduced myself. I'm known by many names. Uncle Ponto. Old Scratch. The Devil. Beelzebub. But you may call me Lucifer, for that was my name up in heaven, and so it's my name here. We often are called by many things, you see, depending on the person calling for us.

I have been prayed to, and summoned, and I have been shunned and cast out, though I only leave when I want to and I only arrive when I wish to. I've never started a war, though you may have heard otherwise. No, I find starting wars distasteful. War is not a gentlemanly affair.

Drink? Please do. I have only the best. Yes, I've never started a war, but I have helped in many. A whisper in an ear, a reminder of duty. There are many ways to make war happen without directly starting them. Do you remember the first world war? The War to End All Wars, they called it. That was a war! And all I did was mention the fact that a few countries had promised to back up the others in case of a conflict. And how that conflict escalated. 37 million dead. And it set up for my second favorite war! I barely had to lift a finger for that one.

Now, for the second one, I made one of my few personal appearances. I don't usually go out of my way to be involved with my projects, but there was evil there I had not anticipated. It does my soul good to be around it, even as tainted as human evil is. I rode a tank when the blitzkrieg raged and the bodies stank. A fine aroma, is the smell of death. Can you smell it? Makes a wonderful aftershave.

You would be amazed at how little work I have these days. It used to be I had to work hard to turn a man against another, whispering things about treachery and distrust. Now, I hardly need to bother. Mankind has made itself evil through its own invention. All men are equal in my distaste for them, and yet they will kill each other over uncontrollable differences. I keep getting memos about it, but, as I continually assure my boss, I only work on greed now. Humans have taken their own path and they must follow it to its end.

But don't think I don't do any work. It's true, I live a life of luxury, but I've earned what I have. You see, I have a list of everyone--yes, you're on it, too. Every human is. And every human has a weakness I can turn into true evil. Even you. Oh, I'm not interested right now. I'm off duty, you see. No, I never mix work and pleasure. That's how you get careless, and carelessness gets redone upstairs. I am never careless.

Are you interested in this statue? It is fine, isn't it? It represents the fall of man. I won it. It was my finest work, you know. I only reminded humans that they were mortal, that they would only learn if they strove to be more. I graced humans with the knowledge of the gods. In fact, you might say I created humans as you now are. You would have been as docile as a cow had I not liberated you. You are welcome, by the way.

Where else have I been? Why, just about everywhere! I'm there when the politician enrages himself with fake news. I'm there in every gun sale, in every stockpile, a whisper in every ear that turns into a roar of rage. I'm there when the policeman can't tell a phone for a gun. But you see, I used to be busier. All I need to do now is to show up beside them, and they hear my voice in the form of their own minds. I no longer have to give them instructions. They know the game already.

Ah, but I don't only deal in death. Sometimes I'm there when someone wants to text their ex something vicious, when someone tells their boss off, when someone makes their ill-advised tweet. Social media has been a boon for my productivity. I can send off a dozen minions to do as they will, and my numbers jump while I do the heavy labor abroad.

Do you see those awards? They're all mine. They're for all the souls I've collected. I have so many souls on my waiting lists and every day I collect more and more. Heaven and Hell are not so different. There are different floors for what level you belong to. You'll never know until your paperwork is finished. I do despise paperwork, don't you? One of my most clever inventions. You may meet me down in the pits or here, in my lounge, as you are now. Or you may go a few floors above. It really doesn't matter to me. I collect what is mine no matter where a soul goes.

I'm afraid this really is all the time I can give you. No, no, please, finish your drink. I would never be so rude as to remove a guest before they were ready. But I do have some business to attend to. There's always a mass shooting to supervise, or a genocide about to begin, and I really must be there to collect my souls. The wherefore doesn't matter, only the how. That is my main job, you know. Collecting the souls of the dead. I'll collect yours someday, too.


End file.
